“Today is Wednesday. No, don’t write that. What if you accidentally push enter now, and that’s your blog? You’re going to look really silly. You’re still going! (disgruntled noise) I can’t be quiet, this is too hard! And now you’re going to write it in the box… You’d better have some sort of disclaimer at the end of this if you are going to press enter, or else people are going to think you’ve gone loopy. You’re just showing off how fast you can type. Are you having fun? You’re wasting your finger strength.”

All of which is why I’m not able to write a proper blog entry today, despite saying I would write one every day until the end of time.

“That doesn’t make sense. Poor readers.”

It’s very easy to resolve (Not to be confused with making a resolution) to write a blog every day when you’re sitting around in your pants eating dry roasted peanuts that your mum sent back with you after Christmas because it was either that or let the cats – or worse, grandad – have them, but when a friend contacts you to say “WAA WAA THE TRAINS ARE RUBBISH CAN I STOP OVER” you just have to do your duty. Of course, I have a long-standing arrangement with this friend that I’m not to write about her in my blog or talk about her in my standup, so I can’t go into any more detail about the wacky hijinks this day has held.

Actually it was mostly eating pizza and watching Power Rangers, which I don’t think are technically ‘wacky’ or ‘hijinks’, but we lead very sheltered lives so it’s the closest we’re likely to come to either.

What she doesn’t know is that I’ve got a secret Word document on my computer of all the batshit crazy stuff she’s done over the years, and one day after we’ve stopped being friends I’m going to turn it into an Edinburgh show.

“Yeah, well I’ve got a picture of your willy in a drawer, so be nice.”

Coming 2014. The show, that is; not the willy.